Sunday, August 03, 2008
It used to be that when things didn't go the way I planned, I found something or someone else to blame. Recently, one of my trips down memory lane took me to a point damn near 20 plus years ago. I was in the Army, and in basic training I was chosen to be platoon leader.
A nice honor of course, but nothing major. But here I was this city boy, still wet behind the ears and merely a month or so in the military, and my drill instructor appointed me platoon leader.
Anyway, we had this kid in our platoon. Reese something. He was this fat, gelatinous hulk of a young man and just repeatedly kept getting into trouble with the drill sergeant. Over and over again, he just kept on pushing the di's buttons, but it just wouldn't sink into his hard head that he needed to get his act together. Either that, or he just didn't understand the severity of his shortcomings and how it affected the platoon.
And the di did everything imaginable to this kid. Dusted him during pt, kept him out there longer doing grass drills, had him run up and down the steps for half an hour once and nothing. This kid just kept fugging up. Then one day, the di calls together myself and 3 other squad leaders. He told us that it was up to us, to straighten private Reese out and if we weren't successful, there would be dire repercussions.
I'm thinking, if he wouldn't listen to the drill instructor, what chance did we have? But from what I could see, the di leaned on him so bad, this kids self-esteem was just shot. If all this kid kept hearing, was the bellowing voice of the di time after time after time, I don't care who you are. That will get to you after awhile.
Maybe we could reach Reese another way. So I executed my Platoon leader privileges and passed everything down to my squad leaders to square this kid away.
We'll talk to him, we'll hear him out. And they would work with him. (notice how I said "they") In the end though, it turned out to be much more difficult than even we had imagined. Reese was a cross between that dude Private Pyle from the movie Full Metal Jacket and Gomer Pyle. Once you understand the meshing of those 2 characters, you'd get a gist of what we were facing with private Reese.
Ultimately, the squad leaders weren't successful. And the platoon continued to face the onslaught of a very angry drill instructor because of this. It didn't help when the platoon gave Reese a blanket party one night.
Seeing as I, the platoon leader and my squad leaders weren't able to change Reese's poor work ethic, and the di pointed the eye of his rage upon an unsuspecting platoon, the other members of B Battery had reached the end of their rope and took matters into their own hands.
The platoon often referred to me as a boy scout, and on one particular evening kept me out of the loop of a late night blanket party, an act that they knew I wouldn't have ever sanctioned regardless of the circumstances.
Even though I was out of answers, beating some kid into submission, to me anyway was not an answer. And they whooped that kids sorry ass that night. For those of you who don't know what a blanket party consists of, its when every member of the platoon, takes a bar of soap and puts it into a sock and pulverizes the intended victim. Reese was turned face down and held there by 2 platoon mates while members of Bravo Battery, nearly 30 strong took one shot apiece on Reese's back.
I wouldn't have been down with the beatdown, but I also did not stand up and try to stop it either. Part of me felt that he had it coming, but that didn't make it right. The next day, Reese bruised and battered along his spine and the back of his thighs, straightened up for awhile, but later succumbed back to his old ways. He was also told that it was in his best interest to keep quiet about the blanket party.
But before a week had passed by, the di took away my platoon leader status because I didn't stop the attack. I didn't face any disciplinary action, but secretly, I think most di's like the fact that some squad members take matters into their own hands and mete out their own brand of justice.
Quiet as kept, but he wasn't about to let that go by without some action being taken by my "lack" of action.
I never knew how the di found out, but someone had told him all of the details. And all 18 years old of my young self, blamed Reese for the loss of my platoon leader stripes. Even though, he really had very little to do with it.
I took a long hard look at myself and what role I played in this affair, and my mind just wouldn't allow me to shoulder the blame. I was trying to blame everyone BUT me over what had happened.
Truth was, by not attempting to stop the attack, nor making any progress on Reese's work ethic, I truly had nobody to blame but myself. And I knew this, but denial set in and I just wan't having it. And that mentality didn't sink in until I was in my mid-20's, some 7 or 8 years later.
Time after time, I could never accept my failures because I could NEVER OWN UP to them. But it was at that time, that I had an enlightening conversation that turned my destiny around.
One of my mentors, Mr. Groman told me he had had the same problem when he was young and insecure like I was. He explained to me that when you blame someone for your troubles or your short comings, you also look toward that person to make those troubles go away. It was one of the very few lessons that I didn't learn from my mother.
BUT, what IF that someone doesn't feel he or she is the cause of your troubles? Then some cat like myself will feel trapped in a sticky situation with no one to pull me out of it. That's when it hit me: When you cast blame, you disempower yourself and relinquish control of your destiny.
It's no wonder many of my plans backfired. After that conversation, I decided that instead of casting that long finger of blame, I would identify what I could have done better or differently to turn the tables in my favor. And I'd been deluding myself for an awfully long time y'all. Because there was so much muck and mire I had to navigate through. Both from my past and my present.
The responsibility for my success or failure in any given thing, regardless of what ever that thing may be, actually lied with me and the decisions I made. I try not to get caught up in the blame game.
I look towards myself FIRST when something doesn't go as planned and then I backtrack. Sometimes, I can narrow down the very moment where I messed up. And at other times, I see where it was truly the fault of someone else.
Today though, I find it so amazing, how many people will just not hold themselves accountable for the decisions they make. The constant harangue I hear levied at others for their own shortcomings can get tiresome. It's always someone else's fault. They are to blame. Not themselves.I mean, bearing the sole blame for what they weren't able to accomplish is never even considered. Not in the least.
"It's not my fault, it was her."
"It's not my fault it was him."
"I'm like this because of my childhood."
"My father/mother/et al. is the reason I am the way that I am."
Is that the case sometimes? Sure it is. But this is to the ones that use it as an escape. A means of absolving themselves of responsibility in something can be very daunting. After all, blame and denial can go a long way, so one should never underestimate the power of denial. There's a saying that goes: "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." -lol
Ever see someone come apart being their own guest of honor at their pity-party? It's both tragic and funny at the same time. That was me. I've been there before so I can see the signs when others are committing it. Low self-esteem and little self-confidence are breeding grounds for the blame game.
And from what I saw about myself and what I have learned in the years that I've been here is, one has to virtually LIE to themselves to not have confidence. Consider this.
You can't blame anybody but yourself when you have self-esteem and self-confidence, because they are both a function of the choices you make, NOT your past problems. Lack of confidence is a payoff and it's always a matter of choice. You have to CHOOSE to not have confidence. What you blame, you ultimately empower. It's really as simple as that.
